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for some reason, I want a subscription to money magazine...

I was flipping through business magazines and econ magazines to look for a topic for my Formal Analytical Report and now I want money magazine. It's like $5 at the store though. Id feel so weird if I got a subscription.

good for nothing

i never know how to type out what i want to say. half the time i delete what i wrote just b/c its not what i mean.

ive been very extreme with my emotions lately. sometimes im so happy for everything. and when people are around me i just think in my head "man, i love these people so much." or "man, this is how it should be." and then sometimes...mostly when im alone...im sad and just feel bad for some reason. and i dislike where i am and what im doing. i dont know if it was just my pms-ing but i already had my rag and im done with it, so these feelings should go away?

all i know is life is going by pretty fast. and im getting scared-er (that a word? whatever, i dont want to say 'more scared')...well, im getting scared-er and scared-er.

theres just so many responsibilties for everything and im not confident in myself. i wish i was, cuz i end up backing down even though i want it badly. and i get jealous of those who do step up and of their confidence.

like this internship i might have at my dad's work. like it shouldnt be so bad cuz my dad will be there, but im just so scared of it cuz its all professional and like the real world. and i kind of want to back out. but its a good opportunity. i dont know. and man when i have speeches, my heart beats so fast and i think everything that comes out of my mouth is stupid. even though afterwards people tell me i did good. and with my sorority, i want to step up, but i dont think im good enough.

honestly, i take the steps leading up to stepping up. i even talk the shit, you know?...like im good for it and i know my stuff and i think i can do well or whatever. but when it comes down to it, i back out last minute.

im such a pussy. ive had no confidence all my life. and it sucks cuz its taking things away from me which i want.

almost halfway

this week is almost over. im so glad. after tonight's 40 or so stats problems and tomorrows stats quiz...i am free. until sunday night...then its hell cuz i have 1 midterm and 2 exams that week and its a special week for my sorority which means I have to be somewhere every night for hours. but before all that, i get to see chris which makes me so happy i can shit my pants

butterflies

i have a speech soon. class starts at 6:30pm. i want to get it over with but i also hope i get bumped to next week. speeches suck. i get scared.

man does time fly

its crazy how in a month ill be packing up again and putting everything in storage. and then going home for the summer. my life is so different back home. i have a curfew which sucks. im the only one in college i know that has a midnight curfew. really lame. im gonna fight harder this time to not have one. or atleast a 3am one.

moving sucks. i mean its kinda fun but what a hassle. its harder now because i have furniture. moving from a dorm, all i have is clothes and crap. but now i have a huge bed frame, desk, etc. man its practically mid april! summer is almost here. this is so crazy. everything has gone by so fast.

everyday im like..."damn, its already 11pm?" the days are going by so fast. im not saying its bad, but does anyone feel the same way?

anyway, like allen says, i think ive been having the time of my life too. theres a lot of people id like to hang out with. hopefully in the summer.

one more thing

i wish i was like really good at something. like totally awesome at something that people would know me for. ive always wanted to be so good at something my whole life. and im not really exceptional at anything. that makes me sad.

i think im tired

i dont feel like writing in lj anymore for some reason. so i wanna use this blog cuz i think the template looks cool. i slept all day today. yesterday was fun. it was like my first roadtrip without family or my boyfriend. so it was like the first real one. man was it tiring.

Anson and i left here at 10am. we went to Irvine to get Mike and Allen. then we had lunch at Lee's sandwiches. then we headed to Cal Poly. what a long drive. we got there at 6pm. and met up with Janina, her friend Eric, Randy, Don, and Joyce and Janelle. we hung out at the theatre for a bit and then went in and watched janina's movie "leave it to chance." i like it. especially the soundtrack. man, some people are just so talented. im jealous.

after the movie we all went to go eat. then Allen and Anson went with Janina to go party. Mike and I waited at Janina's place. then we drove back home at like 3 something in the morning. anson and i got home at like 9am. almost a 24 hour road trip. oh yea we had to go back early cuz Allen had work at 8am. that fool is crazy.

on friday we had a social with A Psi Rho. it was fun. I saw a side of some sisters which ive never seen before. and i got quite a few comments of how they were suprised to see me how i was.

my boyfriend is lame. he's getting into this star wars stuff. he has toys and a light saber. and him and his friends have light saber fights. its weird.